Parenting Towards Their Hearts

Preparing to be first-time parents nearly five years ago, we read a book called Shepherding a Child’s Heart. It was a game changer for us. The basic thesis is that as parents, we’re not ultimately seeking behavior modification in our children but heart transformation. Our goal is not to get them to be good little Pharisees who are externally obedient but internally degenerate. White-washed tombs is the term Jesus used for that. Our goal on the other hand is to get behind and beneath behavior so that we might “shepherd” their hearts. That’s hard to do. It’s exhausting. And most of the time, you don’t even know how to “get to the heart.” Over five years, I can tell you it’s much easier to default towards behavior-centered parenting.

• “Who had the toy first? He did. Okay give it back to your brother.”
• “Are you tattling? Stop it. Don’t do that.”
• “Can you please share with your friend? I know you don’t want to. But you must.”

Behavior-centered parenting is so much easier than gospel-centered parenting. But every now and then, almost by accident, we get past behavior with our kids. The other day, Shainu went upstairs after feeding the kids breakfast and found that all the beds had been made. She was so pleased. Hannah saw her delight and immediately proceeded to take credit. “I made all the beds, Mommy.” Shainu was suspicious. She had assumed that I had done this before leaving that morning. But then again, the way I make a bed isn’t too far off from how a four year old might make a bed. “Are you telling the truth Hannah?” She replied, “Yup. I made the beds.” Shainu pressed her on this and eventually the truth came out. Hannah had been caught in a lie.

Now, behavior focused parenting knows that lying is unacceptable. We don’t lie. So stop lying. But Shainu wisely asked a simple question. “Hannah, why did you lie?” Hannah eventually replied, “Because I thought you would be proud of me.” It’s amazing. She’s only four, and we’re already seeing that Hannah’s got some of the same idols as her parents. She wants so badly to be accepted and approved of – and she’ll lie to get it. Shainu seized the opportunity to get behind behavior (lying) to address her heart (need for acceptance and approval). She explained that God loved her and that she didn’t need to do anything to make Him love her. In the same way, Shainu assured our daughter that we were plenty proud of her and that she didn’t need to do anything to earn our love or approval either.

Will this make sure that our daughter never lies again in the future? Certainly not. But it is one step (of a billion-mile journey) towards bringing the gospel to bear on her heart.

Anyway, enough on that. I hear the kids whining downstairs. Let me go tell them to stop it! (Smile)